i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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