did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
