I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
