How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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