i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
