There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
