You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
