Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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