He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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