I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
