sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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