I think im going to throw up on grandma
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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