i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
