it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
