dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
