nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
