dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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