I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
