There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize