the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
