Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
