You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize