it hurts more in the daytime
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
