It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
