How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
