Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize