I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
