Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
