i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
