My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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