Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
These tits shall not be calmed
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
