Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
