I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
