There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
