so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
