I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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