Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
