ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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