Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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