I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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