At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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