And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Too much gin, very little bucket
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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