I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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