Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
