so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
