ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Randomize
