Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
