how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
