you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
