I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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