69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
