conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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