Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
