Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
