I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
