And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
sarcasm needs its own font
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
